Advertisement that Proves How Stupid Companies Think We Are

Advertisement that Proves How Stupid Companies Think We Are

In an advertisement for the Envi Wall-Mounted Heater, several claims are put forth.  Yet, nearly all of these claims are as ambiguous as saying, “A heater that may do something.”  First with this amazing heater you can save up to 50%.  I’m not a math major but I think it is safe to assume that up to 50% means anywhere from 0% to 50%.  So basically it could save you nothing.  In fact, I suppose negative 50% is not ruled out.  The only thing we know for sure is that it won’t go above 50% savings.  So, if your only hope is to not save more than 50%, this is the heater for you. 

Next the ad boldly asserts that it will cost as little as 4 cents per hour to heat an average sized room.  So, if you refuse to heat a room for less than 4 cents, again, you’ve found your heater.  But this claim leaves open the possibility that you could pay 4 cents or $4 or $400 per hour to heat an average size room.  Basically, anything above 4 cents is fair game.  This is not even taking into account that the term average sized room is by no means a common piece of terminology which all people agree upon.  I’m guessing an average sized room to Bill Gates is different than it is to me. 

Another great feature of the Envi Heater is that it is “totally silent”.   I’m thrilled to hear this because I’m sick and tired of things that are just silent.  I don’t want the absence of sound.  I want it to be so quiet that silence is just a little noisy in comparison.  And this heater can do that.  I can’t wait to have my friends come over and say, “Listen!”  And they’ll say, “We don’t hear anything.”  And I’ll say, “No, you hear less than nothing.”

But how does it work, you ask?  “It is fanless, has no moving parts yet is cool to the touch.”  I’m guessing that with this unit the only heat comes from your throbbing head after being so pissed you spent so much money on a heater that may or may not claim to do anything.  Still, it does also state that it is “stunningly beautiful.”  People may literally walk into your house and just remain motionless staring at your wall mounted heater.  Of course, one would assume that this means the heater is covered with artworks or impressive designs that merit the words “stunningly beautiful.”  In reality, this heater is just a while panel that goes on the wall. 

That’s all I have to say about that.  Now I’m going to take a stunningly beautiful deuce in the toilet that may save me up to 50% on my heating bills and could take as little as one sheet of toilet paper to wipe up after.